a DOZEN steps #1

I haven’t posted for a while. I think the main reason is I met a boy!!! It is VERY exciting=)

My genius therapists recommended I go to the LDS 12 step program. (Yes I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints/ I am Mormon) My first meeting was on November 6^th, 2010. I have been attending every week since then minus the few weeks I was home in California for Christmas week. I absolutely love it! No one judges me there and the program itself has helped me a lot. As of last week I am on step 4…HOLLER!!!=)

At the last meeting I was at I realized I wouldn’t have the relationship I have with God or the testimony I have without my addictions. Praying for my Heavenly Father’s help each day to not practice eating disorder behaviors is the only way I can overcome my addictions. (Ps today is 131 days without purging!) My Heavenly Father is The ONLY ONE who knows exactly what I am going through. That in itself brings me a lot of comfort. Up until this past year my Heavenly Father has been waiting, and waiting, and waiting on the other side of the door for me to let him in so he can help me overcome my addictions and accomplish everything I want to in life.

<3 OXO

SsssttReeeetttccchhh marks

I don’t Ever remember being a normal eater! I could cry about this for days but there is no point. I’ve been struggling with eating disorder behaviors for a long time now. Where did it all come from? I have no clue!!! I sure know my mom would love to understand me.

Lately I am obsessive about looking at my stomach in the mirror whenever I have the chance to see how “fat” it is. Why in the world do I do this? Maybe because I don’t have a scale to weigh myself on. Confession: I do have a scale but the batteries died so now it just sits underneath my sink. I plan on destroying the extremely useless thing with a hammer and afterwards feeling absolutely victorious!=)

SO…within the last week millions of stretch marks appeared on the front of my stomach! I already had huge fatty ones on my love handles, but now some on the front, really? I am only 23 years old. I really do believe most if not all of my dreadful stretch marks are from eating disorder behavior. Years and years of my weight dramatically fluctuating. This is really embarrassing and might sound silly but how could I ever feel comfortable having sex with someone with all of the stretch marks on me, not to mention all of my cellulite!

Well at least a have a working body. I went to the eye doctor yesterday and she told me not only do I have great vision but I am very healthy. I am able to walk and not be weary. I want to sign up and start training for a half marathon. I KNOW I can do it! I have finished two before!

<3 OXO

Starting OVER

It has been 125 days since I last threw up. Hooray! …and counting of courseJ

I AM STARTING OVER!

When I was a little girl my mom watched this show called “starting Over.”  It was a reality show where ladies with “lots of problems” came to live in a house in L.A. and receive TONS of help to start their lives over. This show was amazing. The therapist and life coach’s on the show changed the lives of these ladies in more ways than I could EVER comprehend.

On September 24, 2010 I started my life over! I struggle with bulimia, anorexia, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder…and probably a lot of other things.

I am starting this blog to help me express my feelings more. I usually bottle up my feelings. In most cases this leads to me stuffing my face, purging, and sometimes repeating the cycle over and over again. Also maybe this blog will help just one soul

<3 OXO